There I See A Girl...

I am in a somewhat crowded club. I am standing beside the sofa leaning over the wall. I am looking into the crowd of people, some dancing, some talking, some drinking and smoking and some just seeing things around like me. There I see a girl. I think she is beautiful, so simple yet so attractive, so moving yet so still, so cute yet so hot. I like her. Oh, yes, I pretty much like her. Of course I feel that I want her. Don’t know what it is, probably a love at first sight? Or may be just an attraction? Whatever it is I know I like her, I feel like talking to her, And, more than easily, comes that much-familiar feeling of embarrassment; that I must talk to her and I don't know what to say.

I look at her again n again, I see her every moves, her every emotions, her every expression and she notices that I am doing so. I feel embarrassed and shy. Nevertheless, I feel a strong urge to have a talk with her. Damn, I want her. I begin thinking some possible pick up lines. 'Hi', for example. Ok, then what? I can hardly imagine something smart and something original. 'May I buy you a drink?' - sh*t, it's outdated. 'May I join you?' – Better, but a bit '70's style. What bout somewhat flattery like "What it feels to be a most beautiful girl in the club?" Shit I can hardly imagine right and wrong, how to approach and what to talk?

The time passes by. She looks at me for a second time. Wow, I gotta do something, man! My friend urges me to go on. 'Go and talk to her, tell her anything; a stupid pick up line is better than nothing! Yeah something is better than nothing. At least you tried. At best, you may lead to a more relaxed and smart and flirting and love conversation and end up together! Go on, you bast*rd, move!'.

No I can't. I sit where I am and do nothing. I buy myself another drink, tell jokes with my friend, she swiftly looks at me for a third time, and after haven't noticing how the time passed by, she picks her coat and her female friends up and there they're gone.

Bye, bye, happiness!

Happiness in the sense of getting loved, but in the sense of trying?? OF being free from the filthy fear. Of being a free human being that can do what he wants (without hurting or offending others, of course). Of being able to do things for his life, of being able to freely bloom. This is what definition of happiness implies in my dictionary.

Thereafter, the joy of the party is over, the joy in the club is over. We are out and at way to my room. When at room, I try to analyze the reason why I didn’t do it. What did I have to lose? At worst, I could have faced rejection. But, by not approaching her, by not reacting, I got a 100 % rejection. Not from that girl, but as a result of my worst enemy: my fear. Guys are teasing me for not approaching what I wanted. Dang it. So what? I didn’t reach to her. Not of a problem guys. Ok, I‘ve acquired some fears. Also, I have all the natural fears of rejection that resides in most of us – men, women and kids. Not just me, you fear too. Everybody fears. I comfort myself with these feelings. Yeah I don’t just fear her; I fear every stranger and even used to fear those strange nannies who took my care when my ma and pa were working, when I was child. Yeah I fear every stranger and of course you guys do that too. I felt I was acting right but even then I knew it was some kind of virtual comfort to my heart while the reality was I feared to approach a girl I wanted, I liked, I wished to be with. Then I realize that yeah that the combination of above fears, the natural fears of being with a stranger and approaching them was what made me stand where I was, without acting and thus ruining my evening, my coming week and making me feel somewhat similar fears and embarrassment in similar situation in future. I obviously don’t want to repeat this anymore.

I am sleeping guys. I pick up my mobile, put on the headphone and then lie on the bed. I keep thinking and listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Snow. (Ah, at least I have few collections of good songs. I keep browsing my phone and then listening to various songs, and then come Usher’s Yeah featuring Ludracris). Uh, this reminds me of the club. Damn it. Lately some thought occurred to my mind. Is it the above fears that prohibit me from flirting with a strange woman or is it something else?

I mean, is it possible that I am afraid not of rejection but acceptance, instead? That is, I subconsciously thing: ‘Ok, she doesn’t send me off. But she’s better than I can handle. She will make me think of her all day long, she will make me be jealous, she will make me offer her expensive gifts all the time, she will be too good to love and thus I will mind of not losing her, etc.’ In other words, I think I am not good enough for her?? She stands on somewhat ‘higher’ level than I can handle? Perhaps that was the reason I didn’t approached?? Perhaps I felt like she is way to good looking than me? May be like I wasn’t a fit for her? (Here comes System of a Down’s Toxicity. Ah well this is good...)

Well I begin visualizing the possible solution for all us, fearful guys and resolve the problems of fears and embarrassment. Why is she better than you? Is this true, or do you tend to perceive yourself on a lower level than the one you really are? Ok, she’s much pretty, but you may be smarter. After all, looks aint everything. She may want good gifts, but what about the gift of good love? She will offer you back. She might not be any beast, or any filthy whore, looking for men and money and diamonds, but have compassion and understanding, instead, in store for you! She may be joyful and you guys like moderate situations, but damn it – she’s in a club to have fun! What would you expect her to do? She may be there for the same reason you guys are there. She may be somewhat low, talking to her friend, but her low mood might be due to absence of a happy man (like us fellas!!), standing next to her. So You’ll never find out what she is, unless you try to do so. She may be very impressive or too well dressed for you. Blame you for not caring much for your clothing; but blame you most for not tying to approach her.

She may be a thousand other things, but unless you make your legs walk and your mouth speak happy and flirting words and your eyes unleash all your natural attraction towards her, you are never going to know her and be with her or date her. If you don’t let yourself free from fears and comparisons, then you will never enjoy being with her. And that’s the most important thing I will do from now on. Next time I enter the club’s door, I will let myself free from any perceivable fear of girls I might have. I have no more time to waste. I have to love and take good care of myself. Nobody else in the world will do so for me.

STOP PAYING DUES TO YOUR FEARS

Realize this: The things you regret the most are usually the things you don't do